While I am not a New Year’s resolution type, I usually try to reflect some on preparing for spring and summer as a means to trudge through the dark, cold months. Winter is the worst. I should probably try to appreciate each moment in its season, but by the time I make it to mid-January (and pass the celebration of my first born’s birthday), I am utterly over winter. This year, though, has been different with the loss of my sister at age 42 in November. I hold no spring and summer dreams. I want to curl up in my bed and forget the world or run away to a cabin in the mountains forever. Too many people rely on me, so those aren’t quite options. My husband and I look at each other with feelings of helplessness and ask, “What are we supposed to do?” And I know my two boys watch us in our grief and are learning how to respond to trauma.

My family and I decided to reply to darkness with all the light we can conjure. Over the past five days, I created a scholarship program in my sister’s name. We will award a scholarship to a local high school senior with plans to study Nursing (she was a nurse). The scholarship program also aims to spread awareness about domestic abuse. Applicants will write a short essay about domestic abuse, and the winner’s essay will be featured on our website. In less than a week, we tripled our fundraising goal for the scholarship. These past two months following the devastating death of my sister have taken me to the darkest of places as I question how we could be enduring such a loss that didn’t have to happen. However, the support we’ve received in the scholarship program has given me renewed hope in humanity. I am not alone in saying that I do not accept domestic abuse.

I will keep doing my best to push through this year. Since I can’t run off to live in the woods, I feel like I at least need to disconnect with a solo backpacking trip and build a fire in the wilderness by myself, even just for a weekend, but it is so dang cold. Maybe in the spring. Maybe there is something I can look forward to.